Identity Crisis? Really? Lame.

So, Lee and I were out today looking for furniture/accessories. We put our house together based on what we both could scrounge together and tried to make it work. However, we're ready to kind of update and cohesivify (ha, not a word) our home and our look... which raises the question,

...what is our look?

We started talking about what we liked, didn't like, etc. and decided that we needed an inspiration piece, something that we both loved that we could build a room around. This led to a discussion about how everything available seems to fit into a box/category: contemporary, traditional, minimalist, eclectic... what happens when you're a little bit of all of them?

This got me thinking about my own life. Kelli can attest to the fact that my personal "style" seems to encompass a little bit of everything. While I was in the education department, I did a decent job of emulating a good "teacher" look. Now I'm being slowly transformed into the artsy/outreachy "Wesley" look. Blast.

What do we learn from this? Talking through it with Lee, basically I have become That Girl, the post-grad who realizes that-after 16 years of school and plenty of down time to realize this earlier-I don't actually know who I am. If someone were to come up to me tomorrow and say, "You can design your perfect job, no pre-reqs, no conditions, just whatever you want to do," I would have no freaking idea.

An identity crisis after college is so trite, it's sickening. However, that's where I am. I don't know who I am. God, I need You to tell me who I am, who You see me as, who You designed me to be. I can't believe that You created me as this crazy conglomeration of personalities without some purpose.

Lee and I decided that now I need the inspiration piece for my life, that perfect thing that I can build the rest of my dreams and passions out of.

I need to know what drives me before I can know what it's driving me towards.

Go figure.

Just wanted to share this most recent revelation that I don't know who I am. Scary. Weird. But oddly, naming the nebulous emotion that I've been carrying around since dropping out of student teaching is helpful. I can't find my identity in my works or achievements anymore, and I don't want to be scared of responsibility. I want God to take me aside and give me a pep talk about who I am and what I can/should do in Him. That would be fun. Love you all lots!

Receiving love

He loves me. He actually loves me. I was conceived in the heart of God for His pleasure.

I’ve been running away from love for as long as I’ve been a Christian. It’s just too scary to face Him with all of my weakness and ask Him to love me. A long time ago I started believing that something was seriously wrong with me, and I was pretty much unlovable.

Repentance makes sense to me. I can weep before God about my sin. I can tell Him why I am awful and screwed up, but it’s so hard to believe that He would love me. I want this paradigm to change!

At times He has overwhelmed me, and I just can’t get away from His love. But ultimately, I keep finding myself back in this place of trying to measure up or attain some standard that is worthy of love. Or, I just give up completely and try to find ways to satisfy myself.

I want to be okay with not being strong. I want to be okay with being laid bare before Him. I want to wait in the pain and not run away. I want to actually let Him love me. I want to trust that He would love me in my failure.

I’ve tasted His love. I’ve felt His embrace. I don't want to live for anything else.

Lyrics

So I've been really stuck in the Isaiah stuff I put on here in the last blog entry. It's been like a lifeline for me lately. Anyways, I have no musical talent so I can't write a song. But I did write lyrics FOR a song using that scripture, life recently, and some other verses from Isaiah and I wanted to share it with you guys! My hope is that it will encourage. Love y'all

(Verse)

If in this moment, honesty…I’m sitting here ashamed.

Cause I’ve heard the truth and seen the light, But I’m back to my old ways

My little mind can’t comprehend Why you took my heavy yoke

And the bonds on my raw wrists, Lord, You suffered, died, and broke.

Could the simple really be enough, that by Your grace I’m free?

And if it’s so, then why, why?? do I still cling to slavery?

 (Verse)

I break your heart a thousand times, Cheat in dark of night.

Pretend my sin is secretive, Though plain within Your site

I go upon the highest hill. And under every tree.

Playing role of harlot comes, To me too naturally.

I have pondered in the secret place, Why You always take me back

And to Your jealous storm of love, In the end I’m always back

 (maybe like a bridge or something?)

Comfort’s claimed for contrite hearts, from within Your piercing word

Peace to him who’s near or far, faint or fully sure.

I know You won’t contend forever, You see my spirit’s lowly

Create a praise upon my lips, for I know Your name is HOLY

 (Chorus)

I’ll wait on You For as long as it takes.

I will wait on You Right here in this place

I’ll wait on You For as long as it takes

I will wait on You ‘Til I see Your face.

Cause You’re the only one worthy

The only one worthy,

The only one worthy,

Of this healing heart

Him who is far

"And it will be said,

'Build up, build up, prepare the way,

Remove every obstacle out of the way of My people.'

For thus says the high and exalted One

Who lives forever, whose name is Holy, 

'I dwell on a high and holy place,

and also with the contrite and lowly of spirit

In order to revive the spirit of the lowly

And to revive the heart of the contrite.

'For I will not contend forever;

Nor will I always be angry;

For the spirit would grow faint before me,

And the breath of those whom I have made.

'Because of the iniquity of his unjust gain

I was angry and struck him;

I hid My face and was angry,

And he went on turning away, in the way of his heart.

'I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;

I will lead him and restore comfort to him and his mourners,

Creating the praise of the lips.

Peace, peace to him who is far and to him who is near,'

Says the Lord, 'and I will heal him.'"

-Isaiah 57:14-19

Love you guys. Miss you.