Nathaniel

So there's a boy in my Kindergarten class, Nathaniel. Last semester, it was a boy named Ryan. Both of these boys have become cemented in my heart in a way I can't really explain and don't really understand. Both of them are very smart boys, but aren't challenged in their classes, so they become behavior problems because they're bored. Maybe it's coming in with a fresh set of eyes, or many it's God, but I think I see them differently than their teachers do. When I get to work with them, I make it a point to challenge them, and they respond so well to me. I just have this weird maternal love for them... like, I still cry because I miss Ryan. I'm scared of how much I'm going to care for Nathaniel by the end of this semester. I don't know why God brings these boys into my life just to take them away again. How do I know that Ryan's going to be okay? If something ever happened to him, I would never know. I just don't understand.

I was really upset about all of this yesterday, about finding that line between caring for people and opening yourself up to getting hurt. I've just gotten screwed so many times in relationships (more friends than fellas), and I want to find a way to stop it. Part of my God issue right now is that I don't really believe that He's going to pick me, that He sees me, or that He loves me enough. I know He loves me, but I want to be that special one, His Ryan, His Nathaniel. I want Him to desire me the way that no one else ever has. I just don't believe that He does. I don't know how to fix that.

I don't want this post to just be a woe is me, another time that Stephanie's talking about her sad relationships. I know y'all are sick to death of hearing it. I just wanted to be honest and open about what I'm really feeling with God right now. At least I've figured out what to call it. I'm trying really hard to be thankful for what I do have, for all of the ways I'm blessed, and the friendships I'm trying to keep... I'm just looking for that extra sign from God, I guess. Maybe Ryan will show up at my door and ask me to adopt him. That'd be cool.

Fran, thanks so much for Hosea 2:14, it's helped...

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

Nice, right? Love y'all.