ps.18:4-19

God's really intense about getting us back. i've just been reading and re-reading this over and over tonight

i actually had sort of forgotten about this! but i'm glad y'all reminded me, because you guys were some of the best real friends i had for awhile (especially francie, who i DESPERATELY have been meaning to call for so long). i've kind of dropped off the face of the world from all of you, and a lot of stuff has happened over two years. this may come as a shock to you, but i recently wrecked my car drunk driving. last week actually. over the past two years, my drinking has steadily increased. and over the past several months, it has really spiraled out of control. but really all that matters right now is that the incident with my car was sort of like a "last straw," if you will. thankfully no one and nothing but my car was hurt. i've known i had a drinking problem for a while now, but was not willing to change until several recent events have lead me to my breaking point (always the best place to ultimately wind up, though, it seems). as of right now, i am standing at the beginning of a long, bumpy road that is finally going the right direction. ive really messed up a lot lately, but as god pulls me through this one i really believe my life is going to be hugely changed in positive ways i can faintly imagine. anyways-there's a lot to the story that doesnt need to be spelled out here, but the point of me writing this is just to ask for your prayers. for your support. sadly, this is my first weekend sober in months and i can't believe how hard it is for me to stay out of a bar. but thankfully, somehow i'm still sitting here not going to one! i start AA tomorrow (kind of embarrassing to share, but honestly i'm looking forward to finding support from people who've been through this). i've dug a deep financial hole, formed some extremely hard-to-break bad habits, and turned away from all my true friends to settle for surface level ones that make each night "fun" (and not even fun anymore). So... this is both a really difficult and a very exciting time. i'm really hopeful for the first time in a long time. i'm resolved to stay sober, one day at a time, hopefully every day for the rest of my life. but your prayers would mean the world to me as i'm just now starting to turn back to jesus and feel pretty weak and ALMOST (but not quite) unbearably alone. i really love you guys. i miss you all more than i really know how to express. thanks so much

Spiders

Hi IHOP friends :)
Would y'all pray for me...I'm reading Radical and Jeremiah, and God is really convicting me, and I'm excited about living and working with Him, but I'm also experiencing a lot of fear again. This probably sounds ridiculous, but, this kind of fear always seems to be accompanied by spiders, and lately, they've been everywhere! In my car, in a huge web by my door, in the sink, in my dreams...last night one fell from the ceiling onto my shoulder! I know the fear is irrational, but I think it's also connected to deeper things. It's happened before, so I'm recognizing it, but I'm not sure how to fight it. Anyway, I've been thinking about all of you lately (I kept hoping I'd bump into Lee and Stephanie this week in Dallas...hope you guys had a great trip!), and I thought I'd write.
Love you guys,
Molly

His Greatest Mercy

Back story: I have been thinking a lot about God as Judge recently. And most of those thoughts have also been soaked in the knowledge that God is also Love, which I can share with you if you like, but the post here is, at surface, different.

Last night I was struggling with sexual stuff again- it was both keeping me awake and slowly making me not want to sleep. I knew that starting down that path would eventually make it harder and harder not to continue on it, but still I found myself inching down it nonetheless. Before giving in, I suddenly said, "I want to fear You." And immediately something altered. So I said it a few more times, and then fell asleep. [Falling asleep was a wonderful gift from Him, and I know also that He gave me those words because they came out of nowhere.]

This morning I awoke with revelations of His Power and His Judgment. I realized at any moment I could fall through the floor beneath me from an earthquake. And I realized any moment I could be standing before God the Father, more real than any tangible thing around me. And I asked for Him to have mercy even amidst His Judgment. And as the revelation of His Power became more and more real, I told Him I did not want a revelation of His Power and His Judgment without a revelation of His Love. I then quickly took that back thinking that any revelation of Him is worthwhile. I did, however, continue asking that He would also show me His mercy.

And this is the revelation that followed:

His greatest mercy is to reveal Himself. And when I do not fathom that truth, it is because I do not fathom the reality of His existence.

"And this is eternal life: that they know You, and Your Son whom You have sent." John 17:3

It is not just mercy amidst His Judgment that He reveals Himself [Ezekiel 6:13-14], but it is His mercy to bring Judgment so that we will know Him. To fear Him now is far better than to fear Him when it is too late.

This being said: His Love is stronger than death and His jealousy demanding as the grave! Can't wait for even more revelation of His Love!!!!! [Song of Solomon 8]

I can't

Hey y'all. If you think about it, could you pray for me? I've been beyond frustrated for a while b/c I feel like I'm just getting more and more stuck in sin. Last night all I could do was say "I can't" over and over to the Lord. I'm finally realizing that I can't do it all right or get myself out of junk. I know the Gospel is all about abiding in His love, but I haven't done that at all. This morning I realized again that He told me: you can't do anything apart from abiding in My love (somewhere in John 15 :) Yeah, basically, I just want to learn how to choose to abide in love. I want to stop living just to get through what I have to do and remember how to live just being with Him. Anyway, I love you all!

My Hosea

Where is my Hosea.

I was not created for the desert. Where is my Hosea God? You are who I long for. You know I love our moments when You speak tenderly to me and when You allure me sweetly towards righteousness and patience. But right now I need my Hosea. I need my God whose strength is great enough for me. My broad-shouldered God whose mighty chest is firm enough for me to pound on in my frustration, and yet stands firm knowing at heart that I love Him. I love You, my Lamb, but I am pining after You, my Lion. Where is my God whose roar is louder than my own? Where is He who understands my confusion and hurts with a fire hot enough to turn tables fiercely on their sides?

Where is my Love whose eyes burn with fire? Where is Your mighty horse and Your army of angels? Where is my Commander?

If you find Him, tell Him I need Him. Tell Him I am lovesick over Him.

I was not made for the desert.

Your jealousy has unnerved me, my Husband. I have not acknowledged You, and now I tumble in in the wake of your turmoil. All Your waves and breakers are rushing over me. You have not allowed me to wade peacefully in the waters, but have stirred them in Your frustration over my neglect. You thrash in your pain and I am undone as You writhe so close to me; if You had left me out of disdain I would not have known your exasperation, but you remained close and thus Your commotion affects me. I am in love with You, my Husband. Never leave me. I would rather gurgle in the wake of Your jealousy than to float peacefully with You too far away to feel.

Do not refrain your stubbornness for my affection; I will respond to You. I had forgotten how You loved me. But Your jealousy has sparked the memory. I assumed You would move on without me. But You have not.

You are still here.

Pining.

You are my Hosea.
And I love You.

Identity Crisis? Really? Lame.

So, Lee and I were out today looking for furniture/accessories. We put our house together based on what we both could scrounge together and tried to make it work. However, we're ready to kind of update and cohesivify (ha, not a word) our home and our look... which raises the question,

...what is our look?

We started talking about what we liked, didn't like, etc. and decided that we needed an inspiration piece, something that we both loved that we could build a room around. This led to a discussion about how everything available seems to fit into a box/category: contemporary, traditional, minimalist, eclectic... what happens when you're a little bit of all of them?

This got me thinking about my own life. Kelli can attest to the fact that my personal "style" seems to encompass a little bit of everything. While I was in the education department, I did a decent job of emulating a good "teacher" look. Now I'm being slowly transformed into the artsy/outreachy "Wesley" look. Blast.

What do we learn from this? Talking through it with Lee, basically I have become That Girl, the post-grad who realizes that-after 16 years of school and plenty of down time to realize this earlier-I don't actually know who I am. If someone were to come up to me tomorrow and say, "You can design your perfect job, no pre-reqs, no conditions, just whatever you want to do," I would have no freaking idea.

An identity crisis after college is so trite, it's sickening. However, that's where I am. I don't know who I am. God, I need You to tell me who I am, who You see me as, who You designed me to be. I can't believe that You created me as this crazy conglomeration of personalities without some purpose.

Lee and I decided that now I need the inspiration piece for my life, that perfect thing that I can build the rest of my dreams and passions out of.

I need to know what drives me before I can know what it's driving me towards.

Go figure.

Just wanted to share this most recent revelation that I don't know who I am. Scary. Weird. But oddly, naming the nebulous emotion that I've been carrying around since dropping out of student teaching is helpful. I can't find my identity in my works or achievements anymore, and I don't want to be scared of responsibility. I want God to take me aside and give me a pep talk about who I am and what I can/should do in Him. That would be fun. Love you all lots!

Receiving love

He loves me. He actually loves me. I was conceived in the heart of God for His pleasure.

I’ve been running away from love for as long as I’ve been a Christian. It’s just too scary to face Him with all of my weakness and ask Him to love me. A long time ago I started believing that something was seriously wrong with me, and I was pretty much unlovable.

Repentance makes sense to me. I can weep before God about my sin. I can tell Him why I am awful and screwed up, but it’s so hard to believe that He would love me. I want this paradigm to change!

At times He has overwhelmed me, and I just can’t get away from His love. But ultimately, I keep finding myself back in this place of trying to measure up or attain some standard that is worthy of love. Or, I just give up completely and try to find ways to satisfy myself.

I want to be okay with not being strong. I want to be okay with being laid bare before Him. I want to wait in the pain and not run away. I want to actually let Him love me. I want to trust that He would love me in my failure.

I’ve tasted His love. I’ve felt His embrace. I don't want to live for anything else.

Lyrics

So I've been really stuck in the Isaiah stuff I put on here in the last blog entry. It's been like a lifeline for me lately. Anyways, I have no musical talent so I can't write a song. But I did write lyrics FOR a song using that scripture, life recently, and some other verses from Isaiah and I wanted to share it with you guys! My hope is that it will encourage. Love y'all

(Verse)

If in this moment, honesty…I’m sitting here ashamed.

Cause I’ve heard the truth and seen the light, But I’m back to my old ways

My little mind can’t comprehend Why you took my heavy yoke

And the bonds on my raw wrists, Lord, You suffered, died, and broke.

Could the simple really be enough, that by Your grace I’m free?

And if it’s so, then why, why?? do I still cling to slavery?

 (Verse)

I break your heart a thousand times, Cheat in dark of night.

Pretend my sin is secretive, Though plain within Your site

I go upon the highest hill. And under every tree.

Playing role of harlot comes, To me too naturally.

I have pondered in the secret place, Why You always take me back

And to Your jealous storm of love, In the end I’m always back

 (maybe like a bridge or something?)

Comfort’s claimed for contrite hearts, from within Your piercing word

Peace to him who’s near or far, faint or fully sure.

I know You won’t contend forever, You see my spirit’s lowly

Create a praise upon my lips, for I know Your name is HOLY

 (Chorus)

I’ll wait on You For as long as it takes.

I will wait on You Right here in this place

I’ll wait on You For as long as it takes

I will wait on You ‘Til I see Your face.

Cause You’re the only one worthy

The only one worthy,

The only one worthy,

Of this healing heart

Him who is far

"And it will be said,

'Build up, build up, prepare the way,

Remove every obstacle out of the way of My people.'

For thus says the high and exalted One

Who lives forever, whose name is Holy, 

'I dwell on a high and holy place,

and also with the contrite and lowly of spirit

In order to revive the spirit of the lowly

And to revive the heart of the contrite.

'For I will not contend forever;

Nor will I always be angry;

For the spirit would grow faint before me,

And the breath of those whom I have made.

'Because of the iniquity of his unjust gain

I was angry and struck him;

I hid My face and was angry,

And he went on turning away, in the way of his heart.

'I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;

I will lead him and restore comfort to him and his mourners,

Creating the praise of the lips.

Peace, peace to him who is far and to him who is near,'

Says the Lord, 'and I will heal him.'"

-Isaiah 57:14-19

Love you guys. Miss you.